[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
[montage of me giving-up]
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night