“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
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me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
This will never not be funny to me.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
BETRAYAL
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.