ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
You Might Also Like
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
The booster protects against what, now?
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.