My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
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Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.