Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
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How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Perfection.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
o shit
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.