(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
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Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police