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Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger