@TheTweetOfGod

American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?

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@clichedout

ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars

HER: what’s it called

ME: sorry, no spoilers

@TEXASVETERAN

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

@PaperWash

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined

@pleatedjeans

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

@JCWisdomNuggets

Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.

@TheThomason

New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.

@reallifemommy3

I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads

@liljonlovitz

[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM

@JordanPeele

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.