American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?

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ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars

HER: what’s it called

ME: sorry, no spoilers


I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.


Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined


Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal


Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.


New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.


I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads


ME: you hear that?
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]


I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.