@clichedout ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
@TheTweetOfGod American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
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@clichedout 
@TEXASVETERAN I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
@PaperWash Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
@pleatedjeans Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
@JCWisdomNuggets Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
@TheThomason New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
@reallifemommy3 I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
@ryan_rachryan80 I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
@liljonlovitz [restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
@JordanPeele I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.