*puts cutlery down*
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who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.