ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
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Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
That earthquake could have been an email.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
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Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks