He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
You Might Also Like
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
lmfao come on
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me