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DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?


If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.


“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.



Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.


Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are


Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you


The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going


4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go