I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
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To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.