Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
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At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
This is the best one I’ve seen
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?