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Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great