No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
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[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background