Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
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I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
The news is so predictable nowadays
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
When you kidnap a writer.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.