The news is so predictable nowadays
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Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga