The news is so predictable nowadays
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Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Are you a cat person or a person person?
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.