me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
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If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.