I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
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Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle