Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
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Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word