Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
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Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.