Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
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[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.