Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
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When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
If only
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.