hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
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A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Where is your GOD now????
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
lol
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them