@iAmJuddy

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

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@MoistPork

Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.

@karlainvt

When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?

@jifrulz

The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.

@claire_mudie

Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.

@Tharin_P

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

@tpurvis06

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

@FriedGoat

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile