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[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.