This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
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Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
only 11 steps left
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do