Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
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Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Mom: Oh no!
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs