This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
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My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
everyone’s a critic
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*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.