@MooseAllain

This sounds more like an accusation than a question.

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@TampaBayMomma

Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.

@simoncholland

Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.

@thatdutchperson

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

@stirthemoose

If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?

@MelindaTaub

Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.

@clichedout

They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.

Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.

@shopkins776

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating

@DaddyJew

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

@girl_a_whirl

{The Mothburbs}

Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs