When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
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Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.