Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
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Duck typos.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…