Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
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Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.