My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
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you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.