[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
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If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Oh. My. God.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.