[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
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me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.