“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
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He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities