I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
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Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
People buying plungers never look happy.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.