TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
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Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Bootstraps
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them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer