TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
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See..?
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If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal