Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
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Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.