I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
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boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.