Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
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“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.