19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
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8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress