Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
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ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying