[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
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Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.