Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
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Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
*3.5 thank you very much.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.