Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
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When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
smh
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner