I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
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Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Growing out my freckles.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Important reminders
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?