Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
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[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
uncle dave has been through hell
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
can you read it!!??
maan!
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
bad
worse
worst
worchester
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP