[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
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If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”