Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
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Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?