This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
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Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Are we there yet?…
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.