I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
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I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.